Here are some hilariously awful metaphors and similes:
1) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
2) He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
3) She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
4) She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
5) Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
6) He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.
7) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
8) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
9) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
10) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 PM instead of 7:30.
11) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
12) The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
13) Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 P.M.traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. at a speed of 35 mph.
14) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
15) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
16) He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.
17) Even in his last years, grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
18) Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
19) The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
20) Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
21) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
22) The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
23) It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
24) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
25) She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.
26) Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27) She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28) Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
29) It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
30) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Monday, July 27, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The Hokey Poke
The Washington Post asked readers to submit instructions for anything, but written in the style of a famous person. The following instructions on how to do the Hokey Pokey won the competition.
"O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about."
~William Shakespeare
Written by Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls, Maryland, and submitted by Katherine St. John.
"O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about."
~William Shakespeare
Written by Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls, Maryland, and submitted by Katherine St. John.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
"Jovanovichy"
'Twas potter, and the little brown
Did simon and schuster in the shaw;
All mosby were the ballantines,
And the womraths mcgraw.
Beware Jovanovich, my son!
The knopfs that crown, the platts that munk!
Beware the doubleday, and shun
The grolier wagnallfunk!
He took his putnam sword in hand,
Long time the harcourt brace he sought -
So rested he by the crowell tree
And stood awhile in thought.
And as in harper thought he stood,
Jovanovich, with eyes of flame,
Came houghton mifflin through the wood
And bowkered as it came!
Dodd mead! Dodd mead! and from his steed
His dutton sword went kennicatt!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went quadrangling back.
"And hast thou slain Jovanovich?
Come to my arms, my bantam boy!
Oh, stein and day! Giroux! McKay!"
He scribnered in his joy.
'Twas potter, and the little brown
Did simon and schuster in the shaw;
All mosby were the ballantines,
And the womraths mcgraw.
~Anonymous
Did simon and schuster in the shaw;
All mosby were the ballantines,
And the womraths mcgraw.
Beware Jovanovich, my son!
The knopfs that crown, the platts that munk!
Beware the doubleday, and shun
The grolier wagnallfunk!
He took his putnam sword in hand,
Long time the harcourt brace he sought -
So rested he by the crowell tree
And stood awhile in thought.
And as in harper thought he stood,
Jovanovich, with eyes of flame,
Came houghton mifflin through the wood
And bowkered as it came!
Dodd mead! Dodd mead! and from his steed
His dutton sword went kennicatt!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went quadrangling back.
"And hast thou slain Jovanovich?
Come to my arms, my bantam boy!
Oh, stein and day! Giroux! McKay!"
He scribnered in his joy.
'Twas potter, and the little brown
Did simon and schuster in the shaw;
All mosby were the ballantines,
And the womraths mcgraw.
~Anonymous
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Nothing is Indispensable
Here is a grook (a short aphoristic poem) to warn the universe against megalomania:
"The universe may
be as great as they say.
But it wouldn't be missed
if it didn't exist."
~Piet Hein
"The universe may
be as great as they say.
But it wouldn't be missed
if it didn't exist."
~Piet Hein
Sunday, February 8, 2009
World's Funniest Joke
In 2002 Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire conducted an experiment to find the world's most appealing joke.
The top joke was:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The second place joke was:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
By country the funniest jokes were:
England and the UK - A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
U.S. - A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Canada - When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Austria - This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”
Belgium - Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Germany - A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
The top joke was:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The second place joke was:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
By country the funniest jokes were:
England and the UK - A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
U.S. - A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Canada - When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Austria - This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”
Belgium - Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Germany - A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
Friday, January 16, 2009
"As I've Matured..."
As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
~Anonymous
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
~Anonymous
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The Ultimate Rejection Letter
The college application process has just about ended this year. This year it will be especially difficult to receive an acceptance letter from top colleges. It is very likely that you will receive a number of rejections. If this happens, perhaps the following sample letter will come in handy (it is a modification of a rejection letter I found online). This sample contains information that would have been pertinent to me had I been in such a situation. Replace everything in italics with your appropriate information.
Dear Princeton Admissions Committee,
Thank you for your letter of April 1. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a place in the Princeton Class of 2012.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of a (very important) member of the Princeton Class of 2012 this upcoming fall. I look forward to seeing the rest of my classmates then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Armando
This is my humorous jab at a fear many students have. There isn't much I can do to help except wish all of those applying my sincerest best wishes.
Dear Princeton Admissions Committee,
Thank you for your letter of April 1. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a place in the Princeton Class of 2012.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of a (very important) member of the Princeton Class of 2012 this upcoming fall. I look forward to seeing the rest of my classmates then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Armando
This is my humorous jab at a fear many students have. There isn't much I can do to help except wish all of those applying my sincerest best wishes.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Creative Writing 101
Kurt Vonnegut gives the following eight rules of creative writing in the preface to his book Bagombo Snuff Box (1999):
- Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
- Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
- Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
- Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.
- Start as close to the end as possible.
- Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
- Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
- Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Whimsical Chemistry
Molecular names that prove that chemical nomenclature can be hilarious:
Note: For more chemical silliness, please go here.
- Arsole
- Cummingtonite
- Moronic Acid
- Windowpane
- Fucitol
- Crapinon
- Draculin
Note: For more chemical silliness, please go here.
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